The Escapee

This weekend, I got on a train and traveled to Eastbourne. My reason – escape. There comes a time or many times when everything feels too much and the overwhelming need to run is so intense it scares me. It is also a time when I feel vulnerable and the need to watch porn provides the opportunity to feel in control again.

All around me, I felt like life was throwing so many different things from all kinds of angles and there was no way to prioritise or take it all on. I felt surrounded by family, work, my addiction, my desires, my physical and mental health and so much more.

And I just needed to get away!

Some people say just pray about it, but I needed to do more. I felt like I was waiting for God to come and solve my problems. But I do not recall him saying that I was just to sit there and do nothing. No, I need to move. I need to seek him. So away I went.

Opportunities to just break away like this are like a sunny day in London. You do not know when the next one will arrive, so you know you best take full advantage when it comes. I needed to step away from the battlefield to recover. And the key thing is that I can, and you can too. It is our choice and no one else can make and act on that decision for us.

Escape – what am I trying to escape?

A few weeks ago, I was promoted in my job and I am thrilled and scared at the same time. With promotion comes more responsibilities, which also means more things that can go wrong. And boy! I started feeling this before I even started the role.  Whilst I am happy that my managers saw this potential in me, I realise that it was more important for me to see that and grasp that for myself- something I realise I had not done. Sounds cliche but where was my belief in myself?

With promotion also comes opposition, which I felt from colleagues and myself – that is my doubts. Combine this with everything else, the pull to watch porn and just let go, grew stronger and stronger, and honestly, I have given in multiple times. And that makes me angry. Not at others, but at myself. I have come to a place where I now acknowledge that I cannot blame someone else or a situation for my actions. It is so easy to say, my mother said something, and it frustrated me, or that I was feeling depressed and that is why I gave in. No! I need to accept that this is all me and I cannot move forward until I take 100% responsibility. Someone else is not watching porn for me. It is I.

So, this trip is not to run away from my problems. It is to escape my mindscape. It is recognising that I need to change my mindset and to do this requires a selfish – correction – selfless devotion to my mental health, a consistent and ongoing process. To forget everyone else and focus on me. So maybe I am not running after all, just taking the battle somewhere that puts me at an advantage – what is the name of this strategy in war??

I chose Eastbourne because of two reasons. The ocean and the of course the cost – money is tight!

I have always felt a deep connection with the sea. It is the sound of waves crashing against one another, not in violence but in harmony. It is the way looking at the ocean that makes me feel like my problems are nowhere as big as I am making them out to be.

It is important that you find a location where you can be at peace, which allows you to calm your thoughts. Like a lighthouse in the middle of a storm, it represents a place of direction and signals you that safety is near – in other words that there is a solution closer than you think. The ocean is somewhere I can connect to God and be at peace.

The Big Reveal

When you go somewhere with an expectation, you expect it to be met immediately and for me, I expected Eastbourne to provide all these answers like Raven in That’s so Raven when she has vision, and bam! answers and then I was gonna go home completely changed and yada yada yada.

I guess I had a naive moment.

Changing my mindset about myself, porn and my faith is gonna require a lot of growth and this kind of growth requires so much patience and humility. I cannot say I had any grand revelations in Eastbourne, but I do believe I met some milestones.

I went out of my comfort zone and went to this music event. ALONE. I met some lovely people, laughed, and danced the night away. Sounds cheesy right? But this was huge for me. To some people, I appear confident and so sure of myself, but the truth is it takes a lot of courage and pep talks with myself for me to go to a place with people I do not know, and even more, to engage in a conversation with a group of people I do not know, especially when I am by myself. So, going to this event that seats over 1000 people, to talk and dance, took a lot of guts and faith. But as the night progressed, I constantly reminded myself that one of my goals is to be more confident in who I am, in my authenticity, and to embrace it completely and so I found myself dancing not just to the music but from a profound peace that found me.

You see it is important that you are your biggest cheerleader. Because when no one else is around or they are around but unsupportive, you are gonna need to give that Samuel Jackson speech to yourself and the rewards will be great.

I am sure I have a long way to go and my fight with porn is still ongoing, but I know that the finish line exists and like a seed that is buried beneath the soil to grow, I will push past the surface and eventually bear fruit. But right now, I need to ensure my roots are firmly in place.

As I head back home, I will not leave behind the wisdom discovered, I will hold it close to my heart and pray that I am on the right track. 

Excerpts from the Past – written in Sept 2019