I Must Stop Telling Lies.

To test my theory on cause and effect, I have decided to record each time that I feel tempted to watch porn to better understand my triggers. It is also an opportunity to dig deeper and stop leaving my emotions unresolved.

So this weekend, I have felt the urge and wanted to share this experience with you.

To be honest, the weekend is my hot zone. There is no gym or work, which usually keeps my mind occupied. With the absence of this, as my pastor calls it ‘idle minds,’ I had no defence mechanism in place.

So why do I feel this way? 2 words. Avoidance. Distraction.

What do I think triggered this? After reflecting, I think my episode occurred due to a conversation with a friend of mine. She wanted to know how I was doing and I had responded saying “I’ve been okay, I think.”

She then said, “lol you don’t sound too sure, is everything okay”

I am not sure but I struggled to answer and each time I went to reply, I felt the need for a distraction, and porn becomes my escape strategy.

When faced with answering if I am okay or how I have been, my default response is ‘I am good or I am fine.’ It is easier to respond this way rather than trying provide a composition of my feelings. I realise now that this was a common lie I have told in my life. And perhaps you have too.

I am not sure why, but this time I did not want to lie. I have been on a journey of finding myself, understanding my faith and I was tired of being in denial. But how do I go about this?

This image describes the situation perfectly. And the red X represents each time I have changed my mind.

I had to ask myself, whether I did not trust my friend or was it me.

I came to the conclusion that being in denial was easier, because I get emotional when I open up. It makes me feel vulnerable and exposed and I was not comfortable with this.

SO WHAT NOW?

Remove the misconception that you are not allowed to be okay.

Remove the misconception that you are not allowed to share that you do not feel okay.

Our wellbeing matters!

If you do not take anything from today’s post, know that one of the hardest and truest things an adult learns is that it’s okay to not be okay. But be assured that what God has started in you, He will finish. So, you may not be fine or okay right now, but it is also not the end.

So when someone asks “Are you okay?”

Look within yourself and say “I choose you! Pokémon.”

LOL, not literally. But do choose what is best for you, because your wellbeing is important.

(I know you loved the Pokemon reference. Now I am off to sing the theme song!)

Keeping fighting, God’s got you…