Letters From The Battlefield
It has taken me a few years to start this blog.
My greatest fear was how people close to me would know of the secrets that I have kept for so long and that they would be disgusted and unsupportive, a recurring scenario in my dreams.
When the heart of the issue is one that I feel so strongly ashamed of (and honestly, to some extent, I still am), I find it easier to disclose it all to a stranger, but find it unthinkable to speak of with a close friend or family. This does not surprise me though, as it is the ones we have given more access to our hearts that has the power to hurt us the most and it is natural that we would want to shield ourselves from that pain.
It has taken me much courage to share my story with anyone and even more to share it with you, but I believe that our stories are not just our own and if sharing this with you can help you in any way, then it is worth dealing with a little stage fright.
So what is it I am so ashamed of?
I am a porn addict.
You may see in other posts that I refer to porn (P) or porn addiction as PA, because I can remember feeling incredibly judged and terrified at the possibility of someone ever seeing that I was reading about porn. So PA is to keep it anonymous and provide you with some privacy.
So a few facts. I am a woman. I believe in Jesus Christ and that he died for me. I struggle with depression and until a 1 year ago 2019), I was suicidal. Currently, only 4 people know of this fight with P. A and I am looking forward to the day when I can stop feeling guilty, ashamed and free of this struggle.
If this sounds nothing like you, it is okay. We may be different in many ways but our struggles are still struggles. Also do not feel disheartened or like you will be judged if you are not a Christian. I may be a Christian but I am still living with this struggle, so it is clear that struggles do not care about labels, so let’s not divide ourselves when we can fight our battles together.
I am not an expert nor a psychiatrist, simply a woman trying to make it through this war; each post a resemblance to a letter from the battlefield. But before this journey continues, I just want you to know a few things.
You are loved.
No flaw you think you have or any mistake(s) you have made, makes you unloveable and whether you believe in it or not, God loves you – I only begin accepting this in 2019!
You are beautiful and brave.
The fact that you are searching for answers on how to deal with your struggle or the struggle of someone close you, means that you have decided to join in the fight and that alone takes much courage.
And… You are NOT alone!
Having any addiction can make us feel like we are the only one living the experience and that we will never be free of it. But there are many other women facing the same or similar challenges, and as in all battles and games, having someone else on your team gives you a greater shot at victory.
The first time I confessed to someone about my PA, it turns out they had shared the same struggle in the past. It brought me such joy to know I was not the only one.
So as humans, let’s not keep these things hidden. Monsters grow and live in the dark, but shine a little light and watch them diminish. I no longer want to feel that I am not strong, worthy or ‘perfect’ because I don’t have it all together. Because I don’t have it all together and now I realise that there ain’t nothing wrong with that.
