Coping With My Father’s Rejection

I have a father, but I do not have a Dad.

As society grows more accustomed or susceptible to broken relationships, we see children with 1 or no parent in their lives. My mother is a single mother and she has worked hard to provide for my siblings and me. Growing up, I accepted it as my norm, but over time I realised my father’s absence ruined me in many ways manifesting itself in destructive relationships, low self-esteem, and depression. One thing I knew was my father did not love me and I felt ashamed of this. I was plagued with questions such as “Was I not enough to make him stay? What is wrong with me?”

I felt guilty for even feeling this way because I felt like I was discarding my mother’s effort and whining about something unnecessary, but I could not help it.

Whenever I saw a complete family, I am reminded of my absent father’s love. I am also curious because all I have known was broken relationships and the fathers I did know, who did things such as positioning me to sit on their parts when erected or putting his hand too high on my thigh on my way home.

So, I wonder, do I feel this way because I am expected to have a father or because of an innate desire?

As a grew older, my biological father tried to connect with me, but I held so much resentment I could not have a conversation with him without being angry. This went on for years until I realised, I was tired of being angry and hurt. So, I told him I forgave him. He was young and foolish. We are all like that at some point in time.

I hoped forgiveness would bring me healing but he was still not the man I expected. Not a father I envisioned, and that reality disturbed me. I felt like a burden lifted by forgiving my father, but my forgiveness did not give me what I wanted. Or perhaps I just could not move on from the hurt.

I have often heard about people tied down by feelings of abandonment and insecurity because of an absentee parent, but I did not fully understand the impact until I was older. I was hesitant in relationships and always expected the people in my life to leave.

I wish I could offer some words of encouragement, but I am lost. I just hope one day, those of us who have experienced abandonment and rejection, can experience true healing.