The Girl Who Became Addicted To Porn
The first time I met porn I was no older than 7 when I clicked on the adult channel. Naturally, I was scared, looking around me to see if I had been caught. Instinctively I knew that I was not supposed to be watching it, yet my eyes lingered before changing the channel.
My next encounter would be at the age of 8. A family acquaintance had been staying at our house and whilst he went to the bathroom, I had gone in search to ask him a question. Upon entering the bedroom, I saw that he had been watching porn. I had remained frozen for at least 2 minutes, before running to my bedroom and locking the door. One thing I was sure of – the images were burned into my mind and I couldn’t get them out.
By the time I was a teenager, I had discovered Mills and Boons. If you know, you know. Who knew reading could change my life so dramatically? I became obsessed, seeking more and more books that introduced me to the world of sex.
At 19, I reached a low peak in my life. Engaged in an intense sexual relationship, wrestling with my newfound faith, and grappling with depression, I felt desperate for an escape; from the shame and guilt that came with having sex outside of marriage and from the suicidal thoughts amplified by my circumstance.
Looking back, I wished I had spoken to someone about the struggles because I needed help. But the shame and fear of how others would judge me meant telling anyone was not an option.
At 20, I had finally been freed from my sexual relationship. But my unresolved mental health only escalated and led to my first anxiety attack. I remember being so stressed and panicky at the thought of speaking to anyone and the postman knocking on the door had scared me so much I hid in a corner of my bedroom, rocking and whispering to myself that I was going to be okay.
At this point, I had still been reading books with sexual content and engaging in masturbation. But it wasn’t enough. I needed more.
To silence the negative thoughts and to quench the need to not feel anything, I found myself watching porn.
And it worked. I could silence the negative thoughts and my anxiety dimmed.
I began to live a double life. One that I was ashamed of.
You know what was crazier? I convinced myself it was okay because at least I wasn’t having sex anymore. Of course, I realised a little too late that I was just trading one drug for another.
Gradually porn became my anchor when I felt nothing or when I felt too much. It gave me control, that I felt life took away from me. I could control how I felt and when I would feel something. And it was good for a while.
Until it wasn’t.
If you have ever been addicted to anything, then you know eventually your craving increases. You desire more and more. And the next thing you know, you’ve become a slave to your desires, and you realise it is only an illusion that you are still in control.
For me, the time I spent watching porn increased, and the content became more hardcore or taboo as some call it.
There have been many periods where I have stopped watching porn, only to run back and cling to its content. I have prayed so much about it I could have written books with my prayers.
But because of my shame, I kept my addiction to myself, preventing myself from accessing accountability or encouragement from others with similar struggles. It was why I struggled to believe that Jesus loved a woman like me, buried in the pit I dug myself.
I realise now that I was blinded by my shame and became so comfortable with my sin, that it was easier to live with my addiction than to seek deliverance.
I am guilty
Ashamed of what I’ve done, what I’ve become
These hands are dirty
I dare not lift them up to the Holy OneHow Can it Be
But I am thankful that I was wrong. Thankful that God heals the broken and knows my name.
We spend so much energy hiding/protecting our secrets, fearing that one day we will be exposed, scrutinised, and rejected. And it’s scary. I know. But I realise I was never alone. The first person I told about my porn addiction told me she was encouraged by my testimony. I certainly wasn’t expecting that. By sharing my secret, I did open myself up to scrutiny, but I also opened myself up to healing and freedom in Christ.
I have met many more women who share the same/similar addiction or had in the past. For years I thought I was alone, that I was the only woman who shared this struggle and that no one would understand. But that’s fear talking, and you can overcome this fear. Like I am. Step by step.
I am not there YET, but I am not afraid to ask for help or to turn to God.
So, if you still find yourself caving in, talk about it. Never think that watching porn, masturbating, having sex, or whatever may be your struggle, makes you unworthy of being loved.
You are not hidden
There’s never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been brokenRescue
I am confident in this
Those who look to him are radiant; Their faces are never covered with shame.
Psalm 34:5
If you would like to check out the songs quoted, the links have been provided below for you 🙂
- Lauren Daigle – Rescue https://youtu.be/gYR0xP1j4PY
- Lauren Daigle – How Can it Be https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wt5X91ciE6Y
Till next time…
